May I not limit God

I have been pondering the way in which God works lately. With our current living situation, we are paying much more than the recommended 30% of your income on housing. While we were in search of housing, it was pretty clear that God had this housing situation for us. Lately I easily transition into 'let's fix this now' mode, where I begin to think we need to be making a bigger income or we need to be painstakingly searching for cheaper housing.

While it's more than the recommended amount to be spent on housing, we're able to afford it. It doesn't do any favors for our budget, but we're still able to live within our means each month. So why do I get into these 'we're doing something wrong' mode? I think it's because I do believe the advice is wisdom. I would like to be spending less on housing each month, and giving more. And spending more on my children. And be more generous. But maybe my idea of where the extra money would go isn't best. And while 30% is good advice, and we can strive to model our finances in that direction, God is bigger and wiser than all the advice, and I want what He wants, even if it doesn't make sense to me.

As I've been seeking God in this matter of my heart, He's shone His light on stories from scripture for me to mull over. Like when Jesus used mud to help a blind man see. That's not the way anyone has ever tried to correct vision, yet when Jesus did it, it worked. Or Namaan in the Old Testament. He was told to wash in a dirty river, and Elisha the prophet didn't even talk to his face, he sent it through a messenger. Not what was expected, and Namaan almost missed the blessing because it didn't look like he thought it should. 

 "Sometimes we are limiting our lives because we base it on our limiting experience. We often forget that we serve God with whom all things are possible." (Nadler, 2010, p67)

Lord, may I not limit what You are doing because it's different from my experience. Help me not miss Your blessings, for me and others, because of a need for it all to 'make sense'. I want to be willing to do what You ask, even when it looks unexpected to me. May I continue to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

17 Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ 18 You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day. 19 And if you forget the Lord your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I solemnly warn you today that you shall surely perish. 20 Like the nations that the Lord makes to perish before you, so shall you perish, because you would not obey the voice of the Lord your God, (Deuteronomy 8:17-20). 

https://soundmindinvesting.com/articles/view/gods-will-for-your-finances

https://seedtime.com/jesus-money/

"Biblical faith is based on the truth, the facts about God; spiritual experience is to be a result of that faith not the cause of that faith." (Nadler, 2010, p70)

Reference: Nadler, S (2010). Messiah in The Feasts of Israel. Word of Messiah Ministries.

strong when weak

 I often think of my failings, the things I can control, when I read the verse where Paul writes about God being strong in our weakness.

But I am learning that maybe he is referring more to the things we can't control about our lives - disability, illness, disorders and the like. There is something that changes in us and the environment around us when we are able to exist in and admit our weakness in these regards. When I embrace and exist in my asthma and allergies, I am free to allow God to work as I am no longer trying to control something I actually cannot control anyway. 

When I admit and live in the reality of my introversion, my mental and physical capacity for engaging with others, is God released to work in ways I block when I 'push through' and force things to work? In those instances, instead of existing I become a bulldozer of stress, anxiety and control. Is this what he has for me and those around me? I think not. Maybe this is another layer of what it means to find my rest in God alone - not what I am capable of.

Joshua 1:8

 Joshua 1:8

The Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall read [and meditate on] it day and night, so that you may be careful to do [everything] in accordance with all that is written in it, for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will be successful.

Lord, please remind me that it is only by Your word that I live and succeed. I've put tasks above seeking you lately in an attempt to 'get everything situated' so then I can have time to seek You. How ridiculous! Seeking You comes first! Remind my heart of this and help me to take time to seek You and not be in a rush. There is plenty of time to get all the things done.

God is for me

 Today's scripture focus was

 For the eyes of the Lord are [looking favorably] upon the righteous (the upright), And His ears are attentive to their prayer (eager to answer), But the face of the Lord is against those who practice evil.”

1 Peter 3:12 AMP

https://bible.com/bible/1588/1pe.3.12.AMP

Thinking about God being eager to answer my is interesting. I'm eager to answer and give my children what they want and need, so why would God do less for me? I still revert to viewing him as waiting to tell me when I've messed up, rather than waiting eagerly to give me things, talk with me and come to him with everything. He's on my side and while I know that to be true, I often don't act like it's true. 

Also loving Psalm 37, specifically these verses:

Trust [rely on and have confidence] in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and feed [securely] on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, And He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; Trust in Him also and He will do it. He will make your righteousness [your pursuit of right standing with God] like the light, And your judgment like [the shining of] the noonday [sun]. Be still before the Lord; wait patiently for Him and entrust yourself to Him; Do not fret (whine, agonize) because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Psalms 37:3‭-‬7 AMP

https://bible.com/bible/1588/psa.37.3-7.AMP

What does it look like to day to day 'delight' in the Lord? 

And what in my life needs to change because of Jesus. I'm trying to add this back into my daily rhythm. 

Today was full of more packing. Slowly yet surely it's all getting boxed up. Excited about moving, it'll be so great! Nervous about how much utilities and internet will cost every month. But we need to move this direction and God is faithful. We'll keep being faithful to him. Can't wait for the house to purchase after the rental as well!

Seriously. Amazing. Whoa.

 So much has happened in the last few days!

I will start with Wednesday, 1 day after my last post. Wednesday I was in a pretty peaceful state after draining myself, confronting, and accusing God. It brought me to such a sweet place of peace with Him. We had three tours of prospective rentals set up on Thursday. (I do need to add here that we also saw a rental in Canby on Sunday evening and really liked it. The landlords told us they have a few other families to tour this week and they would make a final decision by Friday.) Wednesday afternoon we find out the tour at 12:30 the next day (in Fairview) is cancelled because the owner has decided to sell the home. We then decide to go to the zoo and enjoy the day. There is a tour scheduled for the evening of Thursday still.

Thursday we go to the zoo, and have a wonderful break from all the stress of finding a place to live. It was so great and needed. On the way to having dinner with my grandma (who is moving to Arizona as well), we get a text that the tour that evening has been cancelled because a tenant signed a lease that day. Oh well, I figure I'll be up late again and applying to anything new I can find.

We have dinner with my grandma. Once home, I quickly check my email, and we have an email from the Canby landlords of the house we liked saying we being offered the lease! We are all so excited - I really can't explain to amount of relief I felt. When I looked back at the timelines of the contacts, we received the text of the canceled tour at 4pm, the email offering a lease at 4:22pm, and another update from a rental in Sandy that they are processing our application. It was a great reminder of just how much God has all of this in his hands. 

I'm so excited for the home. Now it's getting through the next two weeks, moving our things out so my mom can get this house on the market. We get access to the garage on March 26th to  move most of our belongings in - so great! The big items will move on April 1st, as well as ourselves. Since this should only be a 1 to 2 year rental, I plan to not unpack everything. I'm boxing up items we don't use much/may not need in the next year and labeling well to try to keep as many things is boxes as possible, without feeling like it. When we need something, I'll open it up. I digress.

I was already convinced God would take care of everything. I now have an even firmer foundation in that. I have learned that my emotions are all valid, and God wants me to take them all to Him. None of 'I shouldn't fell this way if I am trusting God". Trusting God and all the emotions can co-exist. He gave me my emotions to lead me to Him. It's so beautiful. And I can ask for anything I want, knowing He is a good father and will either give me my desires, or show me how my desires could be shifted to line up with what He knows is best. He is so very, very good.

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Testing

 Psalm 139:119 - Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

The phrase 'test me' prior to this seemed more like a school test, as to see where I was lacking and needed to improve. ('this' referring to our journey in finding new housing for 2022. We thought we were going to buy, but it has turned into finding a rental and the surrent unknown state of what our housing will be next month has been stressful [understatement])

But I'm viewing it differently now.

The 'test me and know my anxious thoughts' has been more of 'test me so You can know my anxious thoughts; because until this 'testing' was happening I was unable and/or unwilling to fully confront my anxious thoughts. They were there, but I'd swipe them away with a 'don't worry, God's got this'. While that IS TRUE, and I firmly believe it, until I was able to fully bring my anxious thoughts to God, He wasn't able to help me with them. 

Jesus has been walking next to me, patiently waiting for me to allow Him to yoke up next to me and carry the heavy burden with me. The burden isn't gone, but it is much more bearable with Him pulling next to me in all the ways. The picture in my head is of me struggling under the heaviness of an actual oxen yoke (double yoke, with only me on one side) and Jesus walking next to me. He's looking at me and saying "Will you let me help you with that?" as we walk (so slowly, because I'm struggling so much). I respond "Oh, I've got this. You're good, God is good. I know it'll turn out great. You're right there." And Jesus responds, "Uh, yeah I am, but I could be actually, you know, helping you with that." The picture makes me laugh because it's so true, but I couldn't see it until I hit the complete end of myself and cried out to God with in anguish, desperation, tears, accusations. 

Only in being at the end of myself was I able to truly cry out for His help, and He immediately and so lovingly came under the other side of the yoke. The circumstances haven't changed, but WHOA did my perspective and burden change. 

I was sharing these thoughts with my daughter Addison, who is 15 and so wise. She said something close to: "It's like how dad wants to give me good things. I know he does, and he knows what I need and provides it. But when I actually ask him for something, he not only provides it but is so pleased that I asked him for it. And if it's not something good for me, he says no and explains why it's not a good thing. So there's no harm in asking for things, even if they are my wants and not needs." God totally confirmed in my spirit what she said, and it was a another way He used to show me that not only will all this work out, but that He wants me to come to Him and ask for my needs AND wants in a home.

On Understanding David

 Today I found a new level of faith. God has been showing me through 2021 and 2022 (so far) that He wants me to be real with Him - like raw real, as in I don't think I should be feeling this way real. Maybe it's just me, but while I know emotions are not bad or wrong, I still can feel guilty for doubting God or not fully feeling like I believe He is who he says. God has been pulling me in deeper to this. He has been patiently, yet consistently, requesting that I give Him ALL of me - including the doubt and anger at what He is, from my perspective, 'not doing'. But here is where it gets good. As I lean into my experience and cry out to Him with how I am truly feeling, He meets me. He has reminded me of David's psalms from Scripture over and over again as I tell Him "I've done what you asked me to do! Why are You not following through?!" And rather than feeling isolated by 'yelling' at God, I feel Him pull me closer. How can that be?! I am at a lose as to how it works, but have a much greater understanding for why David, in many of his psalms, seems to accuse and argue with God for letting things happen. 

It seems like God is opening many more doors for me to have a greater view of His character, and each door that opens is like a kaleidoscope of color and newness. It's humbling and so exciting, in the midst of all the 'testing'.