Testing

 Psalm 139:119 - Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

The phrase 'test me' prior to this seemed more like a school test, as to see where I was lacking and needed to improve. ('this' referring to our journey in finding new housing for 2022. We thought we were going to buy, but it has turned into finding a rental and the surrent unknown state of what our housing will be next month has been stressful [understatement])

But I'm viewing it differently now.

The 'test me and know my anxious thoughts' has been more of 'test me so You can know my anxious thoughts; because until this 'testing' was happening I was unable and/or unwilling to fully confront my anxious thoughts. They were there, but I'd swipe them away with a 'don't worry, God's got this'. While that IS TRUE, and I firmly believe it, until I was able to fully bring my anxious thoughts to God, He wasn't able to help me with them. 

Jesus has been walking next to me, patiently waiting for me to allow Him to yoke up next to me and carry the heavy burden with me. The burden isn't gone, but it is much more bearable with Him pulling next to me in all the ways. The picture in my head is of me struggling under the heaviness of an actual oxen yoke (double yoke, with only me on one side) and Jesus walking next to me. He's looking at me and saying "Will you let me help you with that?" as we walk (so slowly, because I'm struggling so much). I respond "Oh, I've got this. You're good, God is good. I know it'll turn out great. You're right there." And Jesus responds, "Uh, yeah I am, but I could be actually, you know, helping you with that." The picture makes me laugh because it's so true, but I couldn't see it until I hit the complete end of myself and cried out to God with in anguish, desperation, tears, accusations. 

Only in being at the end of myself was I able to truly cry out for His help, and He immediately and so lovingly came under the other side of the yoke. The circumstances haven't changed, but WHOA did my perspective and burden change. 

I was sharing these thoughts with my daughter Addison, who is 15 and so wise. She said something close to: "It's like how dad wants to give me good things. I know he does, and he knows what I need and provides it. But when I actually ask him for something, he not only provides it but is so pleased that I asked him for it. And if it's not something good for me, he says no and explains why it's not a good thing. So there's no harm in asking for things, even if they are my wants and not needs." God totally confirmed in my spirit what she said, and it was a another way He used to show me that not only will all this work out, but that He wants me to come to Him and ask for my needs AND wants in a home.