strong when weak

 I often think of my failings, the things I can control, when I read the verse where Paul writes about God being strong in our weakness.

But I am learning that maybe he is referring more to the things we can't control about our lives - disability, illness, disorders and the like. There is something that changes in us and the environment around us when we are able to exist in and admit our weakness in these regards. When I embrace and exist in my asthma and allergies, I am free to allow God to work as I am no longer trying to control something I actually cannot control anyway. 

When I admit and live in the reality of my introversion, my mental and physical capacity for engaging with others, is God released to work in ways I block when I 'push through' and force things to work? In those instances, instead of existing I become a bulldozer of stress, anxiety and control. Is this what he has for me and those around me? I think not. Maybe this is another layer of what it means to find my rest in God alone - not what I am capable of.

Joshua 1:8

 Joshua 1:8

The Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall read [and meditate on] it day and night, so that you may be careful to do [everything] in accordance with all that is written in it, for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will be successful.

Lord, please remind me that it is only by Your word that I live and succeed. I've put tasks above seeking you lately in an attempt to 'get everything situated' so then I can have time to seek You. How ridiculous! Seeking You comes first! Remind my heart of this and help me to take time to seek You and not be in a rush. There is plenty of time to get all the things done.

Seriously. Amazing. Whoa.

 So much has happened in the last few days!

I will start with Wednesday, 1 day after my last post. Wednesday I was in a pretty peaceful state after draining myself, confronting, and accusing God. It brought me to such a sweet place of peace with Him. We had three tours of prospective rentals set up on Thursday. (I do need to add here that we also saw a rental in Canby on Sunday evening and really liked it. The landlords told us they have a few other families to tour this week and they would make a final decision by Friday.) Wednesday afternoon we find out the tour at 12:30 the next day (in Fairview) is cancelled because the owner has decided to sell the home. We then decide to go to the zoo and enjoy the day. There is a tour scheduled for the evening of Thursday still.

Thursday we go to the zoo, and have a wonderful break from all the stress of finding a place to live. It was so great and needed. On the way to having dinner with my grandma (who is moving to Arizona as well), we get a text that the tour that evening has been cancelled because a tenant signed a lease that day. Oh well, I figure I'll be up late again and applying to anything new I can find.

We have dinner with my grandma. Once home, I quickly check my email, and we have an email from the Canby landlords of the house we liked saying we being offered the lease! We are all so excited - I really can't explain to amount of relief I felt. When I looked back at the timelines of the contacts, we received the text of the canceled tour at 4pm, the email offering a lease at 4:22pm, and another update from a rental in Sandy that they are processing our application. It was a great reminder of just how much God has all of this in his hands. 

I'm so excited for the home. Now it's getting through the next two weeks, moving our things out so my mom can get this house on the market. We get access to the garage on March 26th to  move most of our belongings in - so great! The big items will move on April 1st, as well as ourselves. Since this should only be a 1 to 2 year rental, I plan to not unpack everything. I'm boxing up items we don't use much/may not need in the next year and labeling well to try to keep as many things is boxes as possible, without feeling like it. When we need something, I'll open it up. I digress.

I was already convinced God would take care of everything. I now have an even firmer foundation in that. I have learned that my emotions are all valid, and God wants me to take them all to Him. None of 'I shouldn't fell this way if I am trusting God". Trusting God and all the emotions can co-exist. He gave me my emotions to lead me to Him. It's so beautiful. And I can ask for anything I want, knowing He is a good father and will either give me my desires, or show me how my desires could be shifted to line up with what He knows is best. He is so very, very good.

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Testing

 Psalm 139:119 - Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

The phrase 'test me' prior to this seemed more like a school test, as to see where I was lacking and needed to improve. ('this' referring to our journey in finding new housing for 2022. We thought we were going to buy, but it has turned into finding a rental and the surrent unknown state of what our housing will be next month has been stressful [understatement])

But I'm viewing it differently now.

The 'test me and know my anxious thoughts' has been more of 'test me so You can know my anxious thoughts; because until this 'testing' was happening I was unable and/or unwilling to fully confront my anxious thoughts. They were there, but I'd swipe them away with a 'don't worry, God's got this'. While that IS TRUE, and I firmly believe it, until I was able to fully bring my anxious thoughts to God, He wasn't able to help me with them. 

Jesus has been walking next to me, patiently waiting for me to allow Him to yoke up next to me and carry the heavy burden with me. The burden isn't gone, but it is much more bearable with Him pulling next to me in all the ways. The picture in my head is of me struggling under the heaviness of an actual oxen yoke (double yoke, with only me on one side) and Jesus walking next to me. He's looking at me and saying "Will you let me help you with that?" as we walk (so slowly, because I'm struggling so much). I respond "Oh, I've got this. You're good, God is good. I know it'll turn out great. You're right there." And Jesus responds, "Uh, yeah I am, but I could be actually, you know, helping you with that." The picture makes me laugh because it's so true, but I couldn't see it until I hit the complete end of myself and cried out to God with in anguish, desperation, tears, accusations. 

Only in being at the end of myself was I able to truly cry out for His help, and He immediately and so lovingly came under the other side of the yoke. The circumstances haven't changed, but WHOA did my perspective and burden change. 

I was sharing these thoughts with my daughter Addison, who is 15 and so wise. She said something close to: "It's like how dad wants to give me good things. I know he does, and he knows what I need and provides it. But when I actually ask him for something, he not only provides it but is so pleased that I asked him for it. And if it's not something good for me, he says no and explains why it's not a good thing. So there's no harm in asking for things, even if they are my wants and not needs." God totally confirmed in my spirit what she said, and it was a another way He used to show me that not only will all this work out, but that He wants me to come to Him and ask for my needs AND wants in a home.

 Uh...so I did not actually keep up the idea of a journal here. But as I reread that idea, it still appeals to me, so maybe this time it will stick?

I now have 6 children, and a part time job (what - there is a story there I need to record about God's providence and giving us back the things we offer to him)

We're currently looking for a rental to live in while a USDA direct loan can be processed for us. We looked at a property in West Linn that I liked the structure, but it has a cliff off the back with no fence and is on the corner of two very busy streets, so it's a no. Tonight a lady that is renting a house in Canby emailed me, so maybe that will work out. It's more that we'd like to pay monthly, but we can make work for 12 months if needed.

God, please give me patience, wisdom, grace and point me to You. Help me see my children clearly through this, and point them to You as we travel this road together.

**added 3/15/22

About the 'more than we'd like to spend'. The rentals we are now looking at cost more than 28% of our monthly income, which is higher than recommended. I agree with the recommendation, and have been so concerned that we are not honoring God with our finances. Here's the deal He's straightened me out on today:

1. We have no debt, so we can afford to spend more on housing per month.
2. This is not a long term season. 1-3 years most likely. 
3. We can afford it every month and it doesn't change our current lifestyle, or our savings.  We will even be able to still add some to savings every month.
4. He has led us to this place, and is leading us to owning a home again. Just because this piece of the journey doesn't look like I think it should doesn't mean it isn't good.
5. When we find the home to own, we will be well within the recommended percentage to spend on housing. This is a step toward that goal.

thoughts from John 6...

God isn't bound by His creation - He's bigger, larger and outside of it. He used His creation to show Himself. Creation itself glorifies & praises God. And while creation seems to maintain life on it's own, God can add life more abundantly to it., as in He fulfills it. He is beyond our understanding of time & space, and outside of the natural realm He made.
Examples of this are: manna in the dessert, Jesus feeding 5000+ with 2 fish & 5 fish, Jesus walking on water, the dead being raised, the sick being healed, water being turned into wine, the 10 plagues, the sun standing still, the rain stating & stopping on command, the wet/dry fleece...

Truly, what if I didn't fear? Nothing is worth worrying/stressing/being anxious about. Lord, help me to fully, truly trust You!

All providence comes from Him God the Provider.

the enemy is a liar

I've been going through Ephesians, focusing on Ephesians 6:10-20, with the woman's Bible study group at my church, and God is allowing me to see more clearly that our enemy is a liar. Not just an occasional one, but that is all he does. He lies. He cheats. And he is out to destroy - as in defeat us to the point we don't get up again. That is a big attack. And it is on going. The comparison game I play with my looks, abilities, daily successes and failures - all of it lies. God is the only One I should be listening to. He is where I get my marching orders, my daily list of to-do's. Other's opinions and writings can be inspired, even of God, but as soon as I allow it to be above God in my life, it gets twisted by the enemy as a lie. This is why it is so important to know our God - to spend time with Him daily. To be intimate & vulnerable with God allows Him access to my deepest heart & mind. Then He can change me, mold me, and speak His truth to me. When I am listening to & seeking out God, all other voices are filtered through Him, and it's His truth I get to experience, not the enemy's twisting of things into lies.

May you experience Gods truth throughout today, as you meditate on things of Him. May you not be detracted by things of this world, but be consumed with how mighty, powerful, strong, great, majestic & over-all God is today.